Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
