in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
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Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
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All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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