He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
