I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
