My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I need to stop coming to work sober
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
