Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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