You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
