Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
