I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
