i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
What drink are we having for lunch?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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