I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
