aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
