We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
