Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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