Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
