my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
