Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
