You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Randomize
