I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just had sex on a roof
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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