When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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