her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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