I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
