clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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