she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Drunk is not a location!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
