i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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