doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
