the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
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Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
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I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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