btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
