Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
this is an emotional support booty call
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
