my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
