Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I want her autograph on my taint
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
