I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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