Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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