She is in my trunk
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
