Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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