I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
