I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
