my phone needs a breathalizer
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
