Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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