Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
