I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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