So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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