I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
