I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
this is an emotional support booty call
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
