Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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