when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha