I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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