we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
