in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
