I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
