We named our party play list daddy issues
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
