after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
