Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
