I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hell yes lets make some ravioli
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
