I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
