Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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