Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
