I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i out mim tonsoeep
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