i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
