I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
