i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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